As the upcoming election approaches, tensions have been growing across the country. Some families are struggling to have a polite discussion about political differences around the dinner table. People are unable to convey their beliefs to their friends without creating division. One presidential candidate has been unfairly called every name in the book. The other has been shot at by the CIA.
The political division at Notre Dame, however, has not lived up to the hype. People are rather tame when discussing politics here. Being an agent of chaos, I found this no fun. So I decided to return to my investigative work.
Last week, I conducted a poll asking Notre Dame students who they intended to support in this upcoming presidential election. 3000 likely voters at Notre Dame were polled between October 21 and October 24. The survey was sent to students in every dorm as well as both partisan and nonpartisan clubs. No polling fraud was committed, yet still, the results were glorious.
In third place, Kamala Harris received exactly 0.67% percent of the vote, which equates to 20 of the 3000 likely voters. Not much better was Donald Trump, who received only one percent of responses (30 votes). Former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. fared much better with 5% — 150 votes — and our dear friend Jill Stein killed it with 5.3% — 160 votes. This left 2640 responses for a candidate everyone expected.
Receiving 88% of the vote was Fr. Kevin Grove, C.S.C.
I thought this had to be a joke. I assumed this was a coordinated assault, perhaps a social media trend among ND students which created such an unexpected result. But then I remembered what comedian George Carlin said about the existence of the deep state and how they try to control the behavior of innocent civilians: “You don’t need a formal conspiracy when interests converge.” In other words, there was no organized assault. The converging interest of the Notre Dame student body — and hopefully the entire country — is that Fr. Kevin Grove assumes the presidency of the United States.
I reached out to Grove’s campaign, sharing the results of the poll with a flurry of questions. A spokesperson was able to comment: “Yeah, duhhh. And if you look at our — and no one else’s — internal polling that we’ve done across the nation, it’s gonna show the exact same thing. Both sides are too busy worshiping the owl gods in Bohemian Grove to genuinely care about the American people. I mean, while they both say to the other, ‘You’re a threat to democracy,’ or ‘You spew word salad,’ Fr. Kevin goes out there and says, ‘Hey yo, Christ’s peace be with all of you.’ And people just eat that UUUUPPPP.”
I asked both the College Republicans and the College Democrats what to make of this result. Both clubs, who have more than sixty members, received the poll and were asked to participate, meaning that at least half of their members wrote in Fr. Grove. “We hate Trump,” a college Democrat said in anonymity. “But if I had it my way, Fr. Grove would mandate that St. Augustine’s Confessions be taught in all American Schools. I don’t care what religion you are.”
“Fr. Kevin is based,” said a college Republican.
I spoke to several independent voters as well. When asked why they support Fr. Grove, one immediately responded by quoting “Economic Warfare” and not answering the question at all, saying, “For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible. To conclude, Fr. Grove is a dawg certified.”
The other was crazed. “There is no question in my mind that Fr. Grove would eradicate government and corporate corruption,” I said. “I mean, democracy is founded on the proposition that the citizens of a country own that country. And yet, Blackrock exists! Are you kidding me? Targeting widows and orphans with rent control? Growing the bad in business? Exploiting the poor? This is all they do! They control what news we consume, the food we eat, where we sleep, and how much money we have. And both political parties are okay with that? Blackrock wants to control us, and they buy off politicians to increase their influence so they can continue corrupting the youth. Anyway, Fr. Grove would bankrupt them. I bet if he just sprinkled some holy water on their headquarters located in Mount Doom, the whole thing would probably just dissolve.”
Still questioning the poll results, I ventured to an official Grove Rally held in Debart 101 on a Monday evening last Spring. There were over 450 students packed in the massive venue, and it was a riot. Fr. Grove couldn’t get through a sentence of what I assumed was the presentation of his U.S. presidential policy outline before you would hear chants like these erupt from the crowd:
“Jesus is Based! Jesus is Based!”
“Eradication of Self! Eradication of Self!”
“God-shaped hole! In the soul!”
“Our hearts are restless Lord! Until they rest with thee! Yippee!”
After following up to the Grove Campaign, I was able to obtain a brief policy outline of what a Grove presidency would look like:
- Annex Canada.
- Reward people for practicing the Sacraments by giving them a gazillion trillion dollars.
- Make Joe Rudolph a Cabinet Member so he can defraud Blackrock.
No wonder why 88% percent of people want him in power!
I know that as a reporter, I’m supposed to write without bias. But I cannot help but encourage all of you to vote for what is true, what is good and what is beautiful. That may mean different things to different people. But for me, it means putting a priest in charge of the most powerful country on Earth and giving him the nuclear codes. #GROVE2024!
To issue a complaint, please contact jrudolp3@nd.edu.
