As we all eagerly wait for the election results to roll in over the next couple of days, I can no longer ignore my own deep-seated anxiety which I have grown uncomfortably accustomed to over time as it has started to completely consume me on the arrival of election day. I can’t focus on anything other than the election, a feeling I’m sure many of us can all relate to. So in productive-procrastinator fashion, I am going to ignore all of the work I have to do for the time being by finally addressing my suppressed anxieties in a painfully broad yet deeply personal way with this column. I apologize in advance for imposing my inner ramblings on you, but if you can relate to any of the things I have been feeling over the past couple days just know I hear you, and I hope this mini-monologue helps you cope by knowing you are not alone.
I am tired. I am tired of hearing that this election does not matter. I am tired of hearing people say that politicians always frame elections as “the most important in our lifetimes” when it really is not and we will all be fine. I am tired of people older than me telling me they’re sorry that I have to grow up in this political climate. Most of all, I am tired of hearing that no matter who wins, we will be okay.
To be frank, the thought that we will all be okay no matter what feels deeply untrue. The fact that many of my rights, and many other peoples rights are dependent on voters in a handful of states terrifies me. But in truth, what scares me the most is the discourses of hate that will continue to emerge regardless of who the next President of the United States is. The political polarization we are all witnessing is frightening, and it is incredibly difficult for me to see a path forward through the thick division my politically conscious mind has grown up in.
I am scared of the unknown. I am scared about the future. I am scared that there seems to be no sense of trust, confidence or control when it comes to our governmental systems. And when studying these systems in class, I get overwhelmed by their power and deep entrenchment in every part of our lives. I don’t know how to be a part of the change. My deepest fear is running out of motivation to work towards progressive change and accepting the self-imploding state of our world. I want things to change, but I am so scared that one day I will become too overwhelmed, too scared, too tired and too anxious to continue fighting for the issues I care the most about. I know I can’t change the world, but I am scared of getting to a point where I see no other option than to accept the status quo.
Okay, wait, never mind. I truly don’t think I will ever reach such a low point where I feel so genuinely stuck that I choose to stop trying to move forward. I think a very important part of activism is recognizing your defeats, understanding that compassion fatigue is real and that your motivations will ebb and flow with time because it is an unfortunate truth that we are both human and have to live within the effects of the systems we are working to change. It is unrealistic to assume that we can be fueled by constant motivation to make the world a better place when there are existing forces restricting the visibility of social movements, voices of dissent and desperate cries for a new way forward. During these difficult moments where we are all coming to face the reality of our broken system, it is essential to pay attention to all of the different feelings we are having. From fatigue to sadness to anger, these feelings are rooted in a deep disappointment with the current state of our country and the potential for change we can all see but has not yet been realized.
The little wisdom I can offer you is this: rest so you can grow restless. It is important to take breaks, time to recover and space to heal. Fighting for a better world that we all know is possible is exhausting when it constantly feels like we are taking one step forward and three steps back. But what I have found when I become consumed with feelings that make me feel guilty for not maintaining a consistent enthrallment and unstoppable motivation in fighting to change the world for the better is that ignoring those feelings lengthens their prevalence. Sit with them, listen to them, and marinate in what makes you so uncomfortable with their existence. Rest, take care of yourself, and at the right time the thoughts, feelings and ideas that feed your insatiable hunger for change will appear again — I promise. Sometimes it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder; taking a break from working toward change can remind you what you are fighting for.
