The quotebook

For the past two years at Notre Dame, I have been diligently recording everything that both my friends and myself have spoken. I now have the ability to get everyone who knows me canceled, and so I’d like to share some of my work with you today. I present to you: 

The Quotebook

“Gary Community College — the Harvard of the proletariat!”

“Nuke the whales!”

“That freak accident which killed JFK reminds me of how short life is!”

“Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.”

“I will never drive sober again!”

“No more trampoline? Let’s jump on the car instead!”

“I think it would be more American if we just forgot about bait altogether and shot the fish directly with guns.”

“She looks that way because she was in Russia during intense periods of radioactivity.” 

“I am allergic to WD-40 lit on fire and pointed in my direction!”

“Do you believe in the fundamental right of all human beings to commit tax evasion?”

“Remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store?”

“There was chaos at Chipotle. I had to punch many, many people in order to restore order.” 

“I can see your ankles. Scandalous.”

“HE ISN’T ALLOWED TO BE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE WITHOUT HIS ANKLE MONITOR!”

“Not A Sad Time, But A Joyful One: The Horse We've Been Training To Skydive Has Returned To The Arms Of The Lord.”

“1984 is clearly a nonfiction analysis about how great living in Canada is!”

“Surely I won’t be lobotomized when I express beliefs that conflict with those of the leaders of our government!”

“This bill will convert the children’s hospital into a brand new state of the art gambling casino!”

“To Borg, or not to Borg: that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and Borgs of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a Borg of troubles and, by opposing, end them?”

“Coke Zero has all the taste you need at only zero grams of sugar! And no brainwashing government fluoride!”

“I feel rejuvenated. Like a salamander that is newly moist!”

“Kars4kids … who is harvesting these kids?”

“I can guarantee that my experience of life would be over if I consumed sunscreen.” 

“Sleep tight! Don’t let the government DNA pricking spy drones (the bed bugs) take your DNA (bite)!”

“Faith, family, friendship. Those are the three demons you must slay in order to become a successful businessman!”

“The S&P 500 is not a Nascar event.”

“Did I tell you I shotgunned a whole beer?”

“I got carsick in your office.”

“Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.”

“Alexa, add red Sox legend Ted Williams to my shopping list.”

“Those white flags are no match for our muskets!”

“Gummy bears hibernate in your colon.”

“I have inhaled 250 micrograms of lysergic acid diethyl-amides, given to me by the CIA!”

“We took some mail from the mail truck and threw it down the sewer. Don’t quote me on that.”

“I got Grandma an ankle holster for Christmas.”

“Some people call it a gut feeling. Others call it a tapeworm.”

“I am a proud contributor to crime rates.”

“We put the ‘fun’ in fundamentalist dogma!”

“I trust the groundhog with my life.”

“Christmas is a time where people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.” 

“Equatorial New Guinea: ripe for conquest!”

“If Canada doesn’t annex itself to the Union, I myself may need to take matters into my own hands. Justin Trudeau, consider yourself warned.”

“I fear this may not be honorable.” — [Redacted], on the operations of Amazon, Inc. 

“Hmm, a flaming bag on my front step filled with a brown fire starting substance? Well, these new Italian loafers will make quick work of it!”

“This music is not helping me become a better Catholic or a better man.” — [Redacted], upon hearing Rich Baby Daddy’s new album.

“Because of Fr. Mike, I gave up evading my taxes for lent!”

“Today was shower day — the worst day of the year!”

“THESE WEEDS HAVE FLOWN TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN, THEIR HUBRIS TO BE PUNISHED BY THE INDOMITABLE HUMAN WILL AS DEIGNED BY THE ALMIGHTY THROUGH HIS ADOPTION OF OUR RACE.” — [Redacted], while gardening 

“Jinx! Owe me a coke … in an IV bag … with a needle.”

“Currently on the sleigh (a charter bus) while the reindeer (the bus driver) takes me and my elves (baseball teammates) to the North Pole (IMG Academy).”

“It’s not homicide. The suspect merely plunged the knife into the artery, causing uncontrollable bleeding, resulting in heart failure!”

“Are you guys single? Yes? Eh, not my type.”

“Don’t worry, if we drink all of this crude oil and then jump in the ocean, we’ll float!” — Shipwrecked Survivors

“I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who once said that ‘A house divided against itself cannot party rock.’”

“Sigh … the Edmund Fitzgerald. Every night I drink 29 beers to remember the 29 lives lost that fateful night!”

“What do you mean ‘investing all your money in Sierra Leone child diamond mining’ isn’t ethical?”

“I know Jedis aren’t supposed to do this, but … can I put my arm around you?”

“I cry when I do long division and there’s a remainder.”

“Lead paint: Delicious but deadly.”

“I usually cut everyone in the confession line and then confess it so I’m off the hook immediately.”

“Discount surgeons of South Bend: ‘Are you short on cash? We’ll do anything! $195.95.’”

“Don’t worry, I already self-vaccinated in the alleyway three days ago.”

“One nacho cheese Dorito has more flavor than an Amish person will ever experience in their entire life.”

“Your cup of skim milk will serve as my ashtray.”

“I welcome any and all lawsuits pertaining to my loose and inappropriate character!”