Between two shamrocks: quacking with two ducks

Posted below is the transcript recorded from my interview with two local insurrectionist ducklings on yet another episode of “Between Two Shamrocks.” 

J. Rudolph, Esq: Gentlemen, tell us your story. 

Hawk: A specter is haunting America — the specter of ducks. We have borne witness to the new dawn of the revolutionary animal, the raging inclemency emerging from the gaudy horizon of a once stable farm. It is the animal of the restless spirit of revolution, a fierce creature mired in its own rampant innovation: from bill to feather, from mallard to merganser and from niche to norm. The old powers of classical animals, hitherto gorging themselves upon the static American imagination, have simply been fattening themselves for the impending slaughter. Even now, the collective mind shakes off its unnatural hibernation, emerging from the slumber of the brutal winter of monopoly. Even now, the old Titans feel the tectonic shifts of the mighty duck beneath them, helpless to prevent the incoming rupture. Even now, revolution brews.

Tuah: Indeed, Hawk, the seeds of chaos are sown, but the collective mind is scattered – the proletariat remains unknown and unseen, firmly ingrained within the fabric of America. Now, having spat out their gag, their tongue is loosened, animated with newfound humanity to exact their demands against the already cowering aristocracy. Who are these people so long oppressed? 

J. Rudolph, Esq: ... Uh- 

Tuah: I’ll tell you who the proletariat is, though all you have to do is look. It is the students, I say! They have been oppressed and indoctrinated, their once indomitable spirits crushed by the higher powers in control. 

J. Rudolph, Esq: Tuah, I must object! On what grounds do you make such dastardly claims? 

Hawk: On the grounds that Notre Dame refuses to permit ducks as acceptable pets in the dormitories!

J. Rudolph, Esq: Egad! Can this be? 

Hawk: Oh, indeed, comrade. This University has raised upstanding scholars, leaders, fathers, mothers, wives, husbands, athletes, teachers and prominent religious figures for over 180 years. And yet they were all DEPRIVED of raising ducklings in their living quarters. Can you believe that Mr. Esquire? Can you believe the outrageous injustices that are being committed in front of your very eyes?  

J. Rudolph, Esq: Gentlemen, what has prompted such fierce language about such a seemingly insignificant issue? 

Tuah: You haughty sow. You conceited wretch! Insignificant? Who ties your shoes? 

Hawk: Tuah! Hold your bill! Do not mind him, Mr. Esquire. I will happily elaborate. You see, Mr. Esquire, it was a beautiful August day when we were financially acquired from Rural King. You could have considered our business at Rural King to have been completely liquidated! We were out! Shares sold, free at last, we were newly acquired by several young and promising gentlemen of this University. Our new parent company (this being the upstanding young gentlemen) made it their business to establish our living quarters, provide us with food, water and most importantly, showered us with love, the love with which a father holds a newborn for the first time. With our bonds forged in the eternal fire of grace, it seemed as though our new owners would indeed live their lives for us and ours for theirs. Just like their compassion seemed eternal, it appeared as though our time together would be as well. 

J. Rudolph, Esq: You speak with great wisdom, Mr. Hawk. 

Hawk: *Bows*

Tuah: Alas, our honeymoon of good tidings did not last long. For the very same evening of our acquisition, we were bombarded by the Knockout Goose Brigade! We were uprooted, separated from those we called family, labeled as enemies of the state! Our owners spectacularly managed to quell calls for extermination and negotiated with the “R-A” to limit further exacerbation of the incident. But the damage was done. The KGB had issued an incontestable decree, mandating that me and my comrade Hawk be removed from the dormitory within the next twelve hours. Family divided, grief abound, Hawk and I began to pack our things. We soon returned to our old home, separated permanently from those we called family. It was then, Mr. Esquire, where our grief and our pain delved into a gruesome hatred that would make even demons curl in fear.  

J. Rudolph, Esq: You have elucidated your pain with great eloquence. But pain lies only in our past, and we must look to the future. As I understand it, Notre Dame’s animal policy strictly prohibits animals from being present in their dormitories. What are you suggesting we do? 

Hawk: Our enemies will filibuster and take us to court, should we approach them with our request the legal way. And because we cannot read, as we are ducks, we will surely be done for! 

Tuah: Indeed, to change Notre Dame, we must think like them. We must embody the values that Marcus Freeman embraced during his ferocious battle against the feral hogs while defending this great University! Courage! Integrity! Resilience! That being said, I say: civil disobedience will surely unite us with our former family! 

J. Rudolph, Esq: Wherever this conversation is going, it’s going to give me a bad look, so we’re going to cut our time together a bit short (Readers, I am not committing acts of civil disobedience by harboring ducklings in my dormitory). Before we go, you both have very peculiar names. What was behind this?

Hawk: It’s an intentionally deceiving name so as to throw off prey. 

J. Rudolph, Esq: And you, Tuah? 

Tuah: I’m of Hawaiian descent.