“Happy birthday, Zora! I was your age when I met your grandfather,” my grandmother writes in a heartfelt text. I chuckle as my eyes gloss over the message. If only she knew that men these days just aren’t like they used to be. American men, that is. I recently came across two instances that made me lose hope in modern-day dating.
First, let me set the scene: a sweaty DC bar, and my (of-age) friend. Afrobeats are playing, it’s winter break, the vibes are good. Human beings are enjoying the pleasures of each other’s company. My friend, who shall remain anonymous, meets a man. They instantly hit it off. She flirtatiously asks a question that should be a no-brainer. She shouts over the upbeat music, a simple request: “Will you buy me a drink?”
This is where the night quickly descends into a nightmare. The man dodges the question. My friend asks again.
“Do you not have money?” my friend replies, innocently, hoping to be wrong and that she misjudged the situation. Astonished, my friend turns to his friends for reassurance. Surely there’s a man with a developed prefrontal cortex among them. But his friend instead gives an answer so ludicrous that my teeth are gritted as I write this.
“He’s rich,” the friend explains. “Like, he got money.”
“So then why can’t he buy me a drink?”
“That don’t matter, that don’t matter. If you a good woman, you will buy him a drink.”
Then, the “men” proceeded to walk away. Defeated, my friend begrudgingly swipes her card on another $17 beverage. When the man returned, he took sips out of hers. Read that again.
Now I get it. This is Washington, DC. Drinks are expensive. Life is expensive in any city. But even I know better than to step into spaces that I cannot afford. If you as a man cannot afford to buy a woman a drink at a bar, do not bother approaching her. I feel like that’s not a ridiculous thing to say. But then again, his friend said he had money. It was the principle of being a gentleman that was too much for him to stomach. I don’t know which is worse.
Secondly, I saw a viral video online of someone interviewing American and Russian men. The question was, “Will you 100% financially support your woman?” Every American man said no, that it should be 50/50, and every Russian man said absolutely, with no hesitation.
Not only was the video embarrassing to watch, but my jaw stayed locked in place while the American men spoke. How do these men not feel effeminate?
Now I’m not saying that men have to pay all the time. Especially with younger couples who tend to have more unstable finances, it makes sense in a relationship to split the bill every once in a while. However, I think that there are two problems here.
The first being that men expect women to “pull their weight” early on in the relationship, often before a relationship has even begun. Traditionally, the man is responsible for sweeping a woman off of her feet, courting her and providing for her. For the right man, all that a woman should have to do is exist. For example, at a bar when buying drinks. Using the case of my friend, in which a man abandoned this idea altogether, and worsened it by turning it into an argument. There was zero attempt at making her feel secure or comfortable. Shouldn’t men take pride in being able to provide?
Secondly, even the men who do have the means to financially back their women don’t. Why is this? The man at the bar had money, according to his friend. Lots of it, allegedly. Yet he still refused to do the bare minimum for a woman he was interested in by showing that he is courteous and chivalrous. Shouldn’t men take delight in making sure their partner is comfortable and spoiled?
It seems as though a great sociological shift occurred during the time my parents and grandparents were dating versus now. I was astonished to find that there is very little research, if any, to address this. My theory is that this “50/50 rule” is an unfortunate consequence of third-wave feminism. Men are retaliating to women’s cries to be treated as equals. They are punishing women for daring to dream of a just society. Rather than heeding women’s long standing pursuits for fairness, they ask, “What’s in it for me? How can I benefit from this? How can I dismiss women’s plights and twist it into a men’s issue?” And thus, a malformed 50/50 rule was born.
My parents and grandparents retell their love stories fondly. My grandfather went to war and made sure that my grandmother and her four children were accounted for. My father brought home flowers and chocolates and spent his savings on a promise necklace for my mother. Nowadays, it is as if men expect more while constantly giving less. Ladies, take this as a cautionary tale. Men used to go to war. Now they expect you to buy their drinks. Know your worth. If a man cannot buy you a drink, what makes you think he can afford the price tag of your company?
