On his first full day as the 46th president of the United States, Donald Trump wasted no time addressing what he called “the greatest threat to our nation: the illegals.” Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents, acting swiftly, have begun rounding up undocumented migrants in Irish-dense cities such as Boston, Philadelphia and Chicago, targeting what officials are calling “the Shamrock Underground.”
“Frankly, the Irish have been sneaking into this country for decades,” said ICE Director Chad McGinnis. “They’re everywhere. The pubs, the Catholic churches and even the green section of Party City. No one is safe until we get these criminals back to where they came from.”
Ohio has become an unexpected hotspot in the crackdown, as officials claim that undocumented Irish migrants have been eating domestic pets. “They’re eating the dogs, the cats, the pets of hardworking Ohioans,” announced President Trump. “Folks, they’re turning our beloved animals into bangers and mash.”
A local resident from Cleveland, speaking anonymously, described one such scene: “I walked outside, and there was a man, pale as a ghost, holding a shepherd’s pie. My cat’s collar was lying next to it. I just knew.”
ICE agents are urging citizens to “remain vigilant” and report any suspicious activity. “If you see someone with red hair, freckles, or hear a ‘Top of the morning to ya!,’ call our hotline immediately,” said McGinnis.
In Florida, Governor Lopez has taken the crackdown a step further, signing the controversial “Protect Students in Class Act,” or what critics have dubbed the “Don’t Say Irish” law. The bill prohibits any discussion of Irish heritage or culture in public schools, claiming it “undermines traditional American values.”
“We must prevent the spread of critical Celtic theory in Florida schools, which superimposes a leftist ideology onto curriculum in ways that attack our nation’s heritage,” Governor Lopez said.
Under the new law, banned materials include James Joyce’s “Ulysses,” the film “Rudy” and anything starring Cillian Murphy. But enforcement has gone further than critics expected. In one case, a Tallahassee kindergarten teacher was arrested and sentenced to eight months of probation for bringing a box of Lucky Charms into her classroom.
“Those marshmallows aren’t just marshmallows,” said Florida Department of Education spokesperson Dale Green. “They’re a gateway to radical Irish ideology. Do we want our kids to think that cereal is just for certain groups of people? Absolutely not.”
The crackdown has thrown Irish-American communities into disarray. Pubs across Boston have implemented “code green” alerts, where bartenders quickly switch from pouring Guinness to Coors Light when ICE agents are nearby. Some neighborhoods have reportedly started using decoy bagpipers to lure agents away from Irish gatherings.
“We’ve survived the Know Nothing Party, prohibition and Colin Farrell’s acting career,” said Declan O’Leary, a South Boston resident. “But this? This is the most ridiculous attack on our people yet.”
ICE officials have dismissed concerns, claiming the raids are going smoothly. “The Irish are a slippery bunch,” admitted McGinnis. “But we’re doing everything we can. We even had one agent pose as a Gaelic football coach to infiltrate a community center. That’s how serious we are.”
Not everyone is taking the raids seriously. “I guess Trump’s next move will be deporting Italians for eating too much pasta,” joked Mary Flannery of Chicago. “Or the French for their baguettes. I mean, come on. What’s next? Banning St. Patrick’s Day?”
The White House, however, insists these efforts are critical to restoring law and order. “President Trump promised to protect Americans from all threats, foreign and domestic,” press secretary Janine Collins said. “And if that means deporting the people who gave us soda bread and Guinness, so be it.”
The administration has already hinted at the next wave of actions, including banning Irish dancing, which Trump reportedly described as “a distraction from American square dancing, the real patriotic jig.”
A more significant change is on the horizon, as Donald Trump is set to announce the revocation of birthright citizenship later this week. Senator Mitch McConnell expressed his support for the proposal, stating, “If we allow people with surnames like O’Brien or McCarthy to claim citizenship just because they’re born here, we’re setting a dangerous precedent. The Constitution wasn’t meant to protect everyone — just the right kind of everyone.”
Trump also railed against so-called “anchor babies,” accusing Irish women of coming to America specifically “to pop out a kid and pretend to be citizens.” He added, “They show up, have a baby, name it something unpronounceable like Siobhan, and then expect us to roll out the red carpet. Not happening.”
“This is just the beginning,” Collins warned. “There’s no room in this country for anyone who doesn’t embrace our culture. If they can’t assimilate, they can leave. And certainly, if they commit crimes, then they’re all out.”
Connor Marrott is a senior from Cleveland, Ohio His writing has appeared in the Cleveland Plain Dealer and the Cincinnati Enquirer. He serves on the board of SoildarityND and is always eager to discuss any and all ideas. You can contact Connor at cmarrott@nd.edu.
