Who are the ‘Bigs?’

“Faith, family and friendship. These are the three demons you must slay in order to become a successful business person.”

As a finance major, not a day goes by where the words of Monty Burns do not echo in my head. Clearly, many business leaders in our country appear to see Mr. Burns as their role model in commercial enterprise. 

You’ve heard of Big Pharma. They, like several corrupt government agencies, sell drugs. But what gave them the title, “Big?” They became something the Romans popularized. They created an empire. Demand for licit drugs skyrocketed in the 1970’s gave pharmaceutical companies a massive profit incentive: create, sell and keep the customer coming back for more. Drug sales have steadily risen over the past 50 years, with more rates of chronic disease, mental illness and of course, medical prescriptions for drugs than we’ve ever seen before.

So what exactly did Big Pharma do to solidify their empire? They created and sold of course, but after that? They lied. They convinced the American public that drugs were their only cure for all their problems. They instituted a facade which dictated that a reliance on faulty medications and sometimes ineffective drugs was absolutely imperative for a healthy life. As a result, the United States naturally consumes the most pharmaceutical drugs out of any other nation on earth. Subsequently, we ranked 60th in global health and have one of the highest rates of obesity in the world. 

Big Pharma, Pfizer, Toys “R” Us and other evil corporate empires have all risen to power using the same method: create, sell, then manipulate, lie and extract. Thus it’s no surprise that across the diversity of society, one statute has remained resolute: more business = more bad. 

Every new development in our culture is simply just a realignment of monetary incentives. All this does is simply allow someone way up top to profit from what we think are our own decisions. The question we must ask ourselves, then, is who else is profiting from the newest meats of our cultural stew? 

I’d like to take the rest of the space allotted to me and reveal other “Big” empires which may be lurking in our extractive commercial society today. Such a quest is not challenging. All one must do is follow the money. 

Who profits from Taco Bell? Big Toilet Paper. No other entity could be more correlated with the operational success or failure of Taco Bell. Clearly an agreement must have been brokered between the two corporations, perhaps by force. Big TP’s army of animated grizzly bears who can’t seem to discuss anything else on live television turn fierce when TP sales decline. Tangentially, Big Bathroom also indulges in said profits.

Who spread the lie that red meat was bad for us, while also spreading the dangerous fib that seed oils concentrated from common vegetable extracts are heart healthy, when in reality they cause terrible bodily inflammation? Big Vegetable.

Who profits from both the decreasing participation in organized religion and the increased usage of crystals and stones in order to find an incomplete and incorrect sense of spirituality? Big Rock.

Who generates revenues by popularizing New York City as both a massive tourism attraction and the king of fruits at your local supermarket? Big Apple. 

Who invented Martin Luther so that instead of distributing wine at the Sacrament of the Eucharist, people would instead gulp down sippy cups of juice at their religious services? Big Grape Juice. 

Who profits in London from murders and unjust executions? Big Ben.

Who profits from the sale and consumption of alcohol? Big Vomit.

Who profited from the Prohibition Era, which led to less household fights and also fewer nights out with the boys? Big Marriage. Slightly based.

Who profits from scientists trying to explain the creation of the universe? Big Bang. 

Who profits from the existence of liberals? Big Buzz Cut and Big Hair Dye.

And conservatives? Big Gun and Big Fast Food.

Who made sunblock so delicious, urging us to buy more of the product, even though the dangerous chemicals it contains are absorbed into our bloodstream? Big Sunscreen. 

Who profits from the restriction of weightlifting equipment and the unlawful rearrangement of Rockne Memorial Gym which limited weightlifting opportunities? Big Run.

Who profits from the sale of illicit narcotics in the United States, including fentanyl, heroin, crack cocaine and LSD? The CIA and FBI - Big Government then? 

Who turned Christmas into a consumerist nightmare instead of a celebration of Jesus’ birth and Our Lady’s deliverance of Christ the Savior? Big Devil. Unbased. 

Who made cigars taste so delicious and savory and testosterone-enhancing? Big Latin America. Or someone, I’m not really sure actually. My only point here is that some Bigs are pretty awesome.