I would like to start this article off by congratulating my best friend, who is British, yet ironically abroad in London right now, for completing the Hesburgh Challenge last semester. Beer has been beaten!
Now, to the topic at hand:
To conceal my rage, I have written this entire article in a Bostonian accent, so as to conceal my rage, concerning this specific issue on campus.
MUSHROOMS?! AH YA FREAKIN’ KIDDIN’ ME?! MUSHROOMS?!
Ya honah, why do people keep playin’ this nevah-endin’ game of “let’s eat some rando mushrooms and see if they friggin’ kill us?!”
‘Half the meat, twice the taste’ — who is these mushrooms appealin’ to?! MARIO?!
Now, not everyone’s flippin’ out about this so-called ‘mushroom meat.’ Some hippie kid from San Francisco, skateboard undah his ahm, goes, “Duuuuuude, I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m realllllly diggin’ these shrooms.” Yeah, I bet ya, ah, pal.
Carnivores and even the wicked rare Dessertetarians are puttin’ aside their differences to unite against this absolute slap in the face to real food. We, the workin’ man, have been FED LIES! They been tellin’ us red meat is bad, bad for the planet, bad for our health — oh yeah? Since when?!
Ya wanna know how I respond to that? With a big fat NOPE. They call mushroom meat a ‘health choice?!’ Ovah a real, grass-fed, juicy freakin’ steak?! Get outta heah! Red meat is one of the best things you can eat! Full of creatine, iron, all the good stuff ya need to build muscle and not walk around like some kinda wet noodle. What, ya think ya gonna get JACKED eatin’ chickpeas?! That’s funny. Ya best shot at gettin’ big and strong is steak, eggs and full-fat dairy, kid.
Ahh, but then ya got the so-called “health expuhts” crawlin’ outta the woodwork. “But what about ya cholesterol? Ya blood pressure? Heart disease?!” Ohhh, now ya worried ‘bout health? That’s real funny, seein’ as ya scarf down Beyond Meat pumped full’a chemicals so sketchy even a chemist would need a d*mn dictionary to read the label. Ya know what I say to that? “Aaaand ya wrong, ya friggin’ bozo.”
So WHY the mushrooms? I’ll tell ya why! It’s the Bourgeoisie tryna keep the rest of us WEAK! They ain’t just takin’ away our steak — they drownin’ everything in SEED OILS and SOY while they chow down on the real deal!
And don’t even get me stahted on the milk. TWO PERCENT?! SKIM?! What kinda sick joke is that?! The human soul craves WHOLENESS, and ya think I’m settlin’ for some diluted milk-flavored wahdah at the dining hall?! How ya expectin’ to throw up 225 on the bench when ya drinkin’ this monstrosity?! Point bein’, get some Whole Milk in that DH asap.
And the eggs — OH, THE EGGS! Since when do eggs need more than ONE freakin’ ingredient?!
Since when did we staht needin’ “Grill Buttah Flavah” in our scrambled eggs?! Eggs got ONE JOB. ONE! And they out heah’ tryna reinvent the wheel!
We’ve been duped! GUILTED into givin’ up steak to save tha planet heah’ while people like Taylor Swift and Bill Gates zip around in their private jets just so they don’t gotta sit in L.A. traffic. It’s a joke!
Ohhh, ya wanna be STRONG? Ya think ya wicked smaat? Ya wanna keep it REAL? Then quit messin’ around wit’ that lab-grown, soy-stuffed, fake-a*s food an’ get ya hands on some REAL freakin’ protein! Grass-fed STEAK — none’a that grain-fed, plastic-wrapped, grocery store gahbage! Beef TALLAH, RAW BUTTAH, FULL-FAHH GREEK YOGUHT — none’a this skim milk, oat juice, almond wannabe-milk! Eggs? STRAIGHT outta the freakin’ CHICKEN, pal! No labels, no fake buttah-FLAVAH’D monstrosities — just yolk, whites, ‘n’ pure freakin’ GAINS!
An’ don’t even get me stahted on the fruits ‘n’ veggies — they’ve been soaked in more pesticides than a freakin’ Red Sox outfield durin’ mosquito season. I ain’t eatin’ it! I’m talkin’ REAL food, the kinda stuff that made ya grandfathah built like a brickhouse aftah three squares ‘n’ a coupla Bud Heavies! Get it in ya, lift heavy, an’ for the LOVE’A GAWD, stay the hell away from them SEED OILS before ya end up lookin’ like a deflated Macy’s balloon!
Stop lettin’ ‘em feed you this. Eat like a real person. Get strong. And for all that is holy, don’t let ‘em take away ya steak!
To issue a complaint, please contact jrudolp3@nd.edu.
