For a guy who is indifferent towards the NFL due to New York City not having a legitimate team, the pageantry and cultural touchstones around the Super Bowl are what really captivate me. Therefore, as the Eagles ran away with the game and the Chief’s black magic fell apart due to Mahomes forgetting to worship Baphomet before kickoff, my attention became solely focused on the ads. However, much to my disappointment, the ads this year were pretty awful. Most of them lacked any ingenuity or coherence and were simply insipid vehicles for celebrity cameos. Back in my day, companies actually put effort into their Super Bowl ads and used their 30 seconds to make something truly inspired and memorable. But those days are gone. Alas, here are some of the best and worst from Sunday’s game:
Best:
ChatGPT: I really hate to admit this, but the very technology that will probably destroy creativity actually had one of the most creative ads of the night. The montage of technological innovations using dynamic dots made for some cool visuals, and it culminated with ChatGPT effectively communicating the significance of its product. While presenting a value proposition seems like the bare minimum for an ad, it was actually quite the rarity last night, as every ad just felt like a parade of celebrities.
Michelob Ultra: The premise of this ad is Willem Dafoe and Catherine O’Hara goading unsuspecting young people into playing them in pickleball for a free Ultra and then proceeding to absolutely destroy them. As someone who has lost a lot of pickleball games to older family members who play it with a scary ferocity, I found this to be very funny and relatable. Dafoe and O’Hara really commit to the bit as well.
“Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning”: Before the onslaught of corporate slop could deaden my soul, Tom Cruise graced the TV for a short teaser of the upcoming “Mission: Impossible” film. It was a tense 30 seconds that featured a sleek expanding ratio gimmick. I am incredibly hyped for this film and grateful Cruise is constantly risking his life for the love of movie magic.
Squarespace: I have absolutely no idea why Squarespace decided to do a “Banshees of Inisherin” themed ad over two years after the film was released, but I’m not complaining. It was fun to see Barry Keoghan back in character, and the gag of him hurling computers at bewildered Irish country folk was amusing.
Worst:
“How to Train Your Dragon”: Every time I am reminded of this film’s existence, I become irate. What a complete failure of imagination. From the footage shown in the teaser, it’s essentially a shot-for-shot remake of the original, but it’s live-action now, which makes it good? What’s the point? Why are we doing this? It’s so soulless and pathetic. Nevertheless, I know this film will do gangbusters at the box office because people have no shame and love having their childhood regurgitated back to them.
Uber Eats: I couldn’t care less about what was going on in this ad. What truly enraged me was Matthew McConaughey starring in it. One of the greatest actors of our time has been wasting away in commercial slop for the past 5 years. Why? Is it greed? Is it cowardice? Is it sloth? Regardless, he is a bum, and I have the utmost contempt for him. I need Christopher Nolan or Martin Scorsese to snap him out of it.
AngelSoft: This ad was 30 seconds of severe psychological torture that would make even the CIA blush. On paper, this ad should have been a big hit. It was AngelSoft giving everyone a free bathroom break, and they timed it well; by this point in the game, I had a good amount to drink and really needed to use the restroom. However, by the time this 30-second ad communicated its conceit, there were only 25 seconds left, and that was nowhere near enough time for me to do what I needed to do. Thus, I resigned myself to staying in my seat as a devilish cartoon baby tantalized me with the sweet relief of an empty bladder. Maybe if the cheapskates at AngelSoft had bought a full-minute ad, this would have worked. Instead, their broke antics gave me 30 seconds of immense anguish.
Overall, it was a profoundly disappointing year for Super Bowl ads. Perhaps this is just the new normal in the age of disintegration and the continuous decay of the American soul. But at least we can look back and appreciate what we once had: legends like PuppyMonkeyBaby will live on in our hearts forever.
