I have never felt more alone in my life than during my first three months serving as the Saint Mary’s news editor. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I inherited nothing but an empty office and a department with no staff after the culmination of turnover in March 2024. I was just a freshman with minimal training, and my first task as an editor was to investigate and cover my college’s recent controversial admissions policy, the largest investigation I’ve completed to date.
Though I received some help on these stories from other much more qualified Observer editors (my immense gratitude towards editor-in-chief Isa Sheikh, former editor-in-chief Maggie Eastland and former managing editor Ryan Peters), I still took the brunt of the backlash from the Saint Mary’s and tri-campus community. After all, my name took official credit for the pieces. And in doing so, I created distance and animosity between myself and the students, admin and faculty I was congenial with.
No matter the reaction of the community, I stand by my accurate and truthful reporting.
To make myself feel better, my now-roommate Natalie Ortiz and I bought decorations for my very sad-looking office. Former Viewpoint editor Claire Lyons helped me arrange the space and later donated a couch for a cozier vibe. Some new pillows, a couple cork boards for the wall and streamers were supposed to somehow fix all my problems. They didn’t, but those brief moments of joy helped me feel less like I was such a failure at my brand new job. They made me feel less alone.
During the last quarter of the semester, I was joined by Elizabeth Burt, and she and I each covered two to three stories a week to keep the Saint Mary’s news department afloat. She transferred at the end of the school year, but I am forever grateful for how much time and energy she dedicated. She was a light that made me feel less alone.
Over the summer, I experienced bouts of anxiety about how I was to run Saint Mary’s news in the fall. With no associate news editor and my single writer gone, I was losing hope. Still, I prepared as much as I could. My longest friend Becca sat with me for days talking and helped me make flyers, signs and more decorations for the department (again, somehow I thought it’d help). Planning with her, even though she attends college four hours away from me, made me feel like I wasn’t starting the fall semester alone.
Fast forward to the student involvement fair, I set up my table advertising “Join The Observer!” alone. Though hundreds of students overwhelmed the Library Green, I felt incredibly isolated. It was later on, however, that managing editor Katie Muchnick, Viewpoint editor Liam Price and scene editor Peter Mikulski all stopped by and sat with me. We all chatted about our summers and convinced unknowing freshmen to stop at our table. And suddenly, dozens of people signed up. Suddenly, I wasn’t alone.
During this school year and my time as an editor, I experienced a series of pretty dark and emotional nights. My anxiety got the best of me many times over, and my inner voice consistently proved to me I wasn’t good enough for this position. I wasn’t writing enough, recruiting enough, leading enough. Current photo and incoming managing editor Gray Nocjar sat with me through it all, and he upheld a pretty strong defense against my self-doubts. During the moments when I felt so overwhelmed, he was always able to make me feel less alone.
Very quickly I had people attending my Saint Mary’s news meetings. Real people! Sitting in my office! Once, we had to move the meeting to a conference room because we couldn’t fit everyone. I was once convinced I’d never see the day. I went from a department with population: me, to advising four staff writers and several more news writers. Sol Castellanos, Mady Casiano, Sydney Eidelbes, Samantha Gebert and incoming Saint Mary’s news editor Berhan Hagezom, were integral to the department’s success. I can’t tell them how much I appreciate everything they’ve contributed to Saint Mary’s news and The Observer as a whole. Their presence ensured I never sat through a budget meeting alone.
And now, as I sit and chat with my writers after meetings, over dinner or during late nights in the main office, I know I could never be alone at The Observer. In hindsight, I was never really alone. I am so incredibly grateful for them, for all of these people and more. It’s cliche, but the community of this newspaper has become a second home and family to me.
As I prepare to take on the role of assistant managing editor in March, I wish I could’ve told myself a year ago how much I wasn’t seeing, how blessed I was even in my loneliest moments. I would’ve told her to trust and not be afraid, that I wasn’t really alone. And that yes, this may be the most difficult job on Ed Board, but it may also be the most rewarding. Saint Mary’s news will infinitely hold such a special place in my heart, to have watched it grow from something entirely my own to now bigger than myself.
