What can I even say about love?
I feel I should not say anything because everything I think contradicts the next thought. Writhing with insults, my thoughts chase each other while snapping at my exposed entrails.
It’s futile, it’s all consuming, it’s vicious, it’s annoying, it’s distracting, it’s, well, it’s dumb. That’s what I think love is right now — romantic love at least (I still have room in my brutal heart for friends and family. Shout out to my mom, the best Valentine) but I very much doubt I have room for any more romance. Romance was my purpose. Romance was my muse. I wrote poetry and danced to the songs of romance. I slept on romance’s cold bench through blistering nights. I let my skin burn just so I could live under the sun with romance. I laughed for, cried for, begged for and yearned for romance. I even fasted for romance! How silly was I to give my heart to such an unstable, insatiable siren. Stupid siren. Stupid romance. Stupid me! I give up, I leave romance, there is no point
… Or so I thought.
–Ah, but romance. It’s fulfilling, it’s pretty, it’s sweeping, it’s illuminating, it’s, well, it’s perfect, that’s what romance is right now. Romance has blanketed me with precious warmth and filled my lungs with energy. Romance has renewed me! I will commit my life to seeking this indulgent feeling forever, and if I do, it surely can’t pass. I won’t let it pass! I will sing the vow of romance across the hills. I will traverse mountains with the bareness of my weak palms and I will run marathons with my untrained legs to keep romance with me. Romance must be God, because nothing can be better than this feeling.
–No, no, no. Romance has done you harm. Romance has tricked you!
–That can’t be so, romance is good.
–Romance is folly.
–Romance is fun.
–Romance means nothing.
–Romance means everything, romance is everything!
–Romance makes you think there is nothing without it, romance makes you dependent and weak. Why do you chase what makes you weak?
–I chase what makes me whole.
–Romance is the answer?
–Romance is a part, yes.
This fight goes on for some time throughout the day. On and on, I’m always caught in the middle of the warring. They war when I console my love-stricken friends. They war when I read or watch romance. They war when I see couples giddily laughing or bitterly arguing. They war especially when I have found a new interest.
It’s time for the war to end.
I believe I have found a compromise: a treaty which both armies of thought can agree. I propose that romantic love is what you make it. This may not be a novel idea nor do I think it sustains peace, but that is my truth. Romance can be everything to you. It can be the reason you wake in the morning or why you smile in the rain. Romance can be the purpose you seek in the world, and that purpose is more than acceptable; it is good. Otherwise, romance can be nothing to you. Life can seem much more joyous, the mountains more glorious and the ocean more inviting, without any hint of romance. You can seek all that is good in this world despite romance and you’ll surely find happiness. This purpose too is more than acceptable; it is good.
As for me, I still stand between the two armies. Fully disposing of one radical side for another seems naive. I don’t want to be wholly engulfed in romance so that I ignore my peripherals nor do I want to ignore such a pretty aspect of our world. I dream of a fulfilling career and adventure. But I also dream of settling down with a husband and kids. I wish I had an absolute answer. I wish I could know there’s a future where I can compile all my desires.
For now, I just hope I am given the time to explore all the possibilities.
While I stand between, pausing the war, my contradictions continue to haunt me. The thoughts prick and prod, taunt and toy, nevertheless I’ll keep standing here. I will not be bullied into having only one trajectory in life. I think that would waste the potential for so much good.
