Winter uglies

I cried a lot last week.

I’m not going to get into the rhyme or reason for my various meltdowns (there were three in total), but I will admit that the root cause had a little something to do with my uncertain feelings about graduation. Not being able to identify as a college student pretty soon is something I have a lot of mixed emotions about, but that’s a conversation for another day. Anyway, thanks to some comforting advice from a few people I love and trust, as well as a weekend back at home to reset, I am feeling ever so slightly better and am in the midst of creating a plan of action that entails me taking some time to … wait for it … work on myself.

I kind of hate that saying.

I find it wildly overused and pretty cheesy, but it’s true. I am in dire need of some TLC. The question remains, though, how I will execute this master plan of becoming a happier and healthier version of myself. I mean, if I head on over to Spotify or Youtube and type “how to level up my life” into the search engine, millions of flashy thumbnails featuring life coaches and gurus who claim to have life’s secret sauce will pop on the screen and offer me their guidance.

I also have the easy option of browsing through the self-help section of Barnes and Noble where titles such as “Atomic Habits” and “The Power of Now” might catch my eye and propel this lifestyle. I can even hop on Instagram or TikTok and scroll through “day in my life” videos featuring influencers accomplishing a boatload of tasks before the sun even rises and attempt to mimic their every move. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll morph into them.

But I won’t. I won’t because there’s an overwhelming amount of people telling me what to do and who to become. It only takes approximately 20 minutes of my time to be convinced by a stranger on the internet that I need to wear mouth tape at night, dry brush after the shower, consider purchasing a red light therapy mask … I mean, the list goes on and on and on. In a world of Andrew Huberman and Mel Robbins, I don’t know who the hell to listen to. 

I am not a “go-go-go” type of girl, and I’ve accepted that about myself.

Even though I sometimes desperately wish I had it in me to withstand a more hectic lifestyle, it's simply not in my nature. And it’s not like I want to be insanely busy — it's just that I feel like I’m not doing enough. Sometimes, I look around and it feels as though my peers are out here changing the world, while I struggle to eat three meals a day and fold my laundry.

All I want is to feel semi-decent about myself and have the energy to withstand an entire day, but taking care of myself doesn’t come easy. I am not always my own priority but I’ve recently realized that I have to be. I need to be, because I deserve to treat myself with the love and respect I give so freely to others.

Maybe the meditations will actually change my life, or maybe meal prepping is in fact as effective as people say it is. Maybe reading a book before bed is better for my brain, and morning sunshine does set my circadian rhythm. Maybe I will try these tactics, or maybe I won’t. All I know is that I will try my very best to get better, make progress and eventually be all that I want to become. But not one single wellness hack is going to single handedly get me there. It will be my resilience, my courage and my love for myself — even when that love is buried underneath a whole lot of negative self-talk. I’ll get up everyday for myself, because no one else is going to do it for me.

If you feel the same way, know you aren’t alone. The freezing Midwest adds to this, too — that’s for sure. I was in the car today, and the sunshine felt like an old friend. Let’s trek through and beat the winter uglies together, one positive affirmation at a time. Or maybe not, maybe it’s a big breakfast or listening to music while you get ready. Do something for yourself, don’t leave yourself hanging. It’s not worth it.